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Seven Jewish Jokes

1. The Persistent Grandmother

An elderly Jewish lady took her young grandson to the beach. She sat on a beach chair beneath an umbrella. She did her knitting while her grandson played with a small pail and shovel near the shore. He was wearing a sun hat.

There were many people at the beach - some frolicking in the water, some sunbathing, and some just enjoying the day. Suddenly, without any warning, a tsunami crashed ashore. It destroyed everything in its path! As the waters retreated to the ocean, all left behind was chaos and destruction.

Only one survived - the godly elderly lady. She was still sitting on her beach chair beneath her umbrella. Her unfinished knitting was on her lap. She was miraculously unscathed. She looked about, and then at the place where her young grandson had been just moments ago. She looked up to the heavens. With tears streaming from her eyes, she called out to God: "Why, Lord? Why? Why did you take away my beautiful grandson, who had his whole life before him, and yet left me, a pitiful old woman at the end of her life? Oh Lord, I would rather that You take me instead of him!"

Moments later, apparently in response to her petition, a second tsunami washed ashore. For a few brief minutes, all was chaotic as the wave pummeled the shore. But as its waters retreated back to the ocean, the elderly lady found herself sitting as before. To her amazement, near her was her grandson. He was still playing with his small pail and shovel, as if nothing had happened. The elderly lady looked up to the heavens and exclaimed, "Lord, he had a hat!"

2. The Rabbi & His Eggs

One day, a Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up their house. The Rabbi came across a box that he didn't recognize. He asked his wife about the box. She told him to leave it alone as it was her personal box.

But when she was out, his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box. Within were 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box. He asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he preached a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box.

He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad." His wife continued, "But every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

3. A Jew & His Rights

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. They gave them to him. After he ate the bread and drank the wine, they executed him. Next was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. They brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Now it was the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew. "Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!"

"No?? So I'll wait..."

4. A Rabbi & A Priest

A rabbi and a priest got into a car accident. It was a really bad one. Both cars were totally demolished. But amazingly, neither of the clerics was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the rabbi saw the priest's collar and said, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The priest replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he handed the bottle to the priest. The priest agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, immediately put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest. The priest asked, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replied, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

5. The Pope Versus Moses

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moses to represent them. Moses asked for one condition to the debate - neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moses and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moses looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moses pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moses pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolved us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moses. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moses, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moses. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

6. Tithes & Offerings

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were discussing what they did with the donations to their respective religious organizations.

The minister said that he drew a circle on the floor, threw the money up in the air, and whatever landed in the circle, he gave to God, and whatever landed outside the circle, he kept. The priest used a similar method. He drew a circle, but whatever landed outside the circle, he gave to God, and whatever landed inside, he kept.

The rabbi had a slightly different method of dividing the money. He threw all the money up in the air. Whatever God wanted, He could keep and whatever leftovers on the ground, he kept.

7. The Rabbi Golfing On Yom Kippur

The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar. He went instead to play golf.

As Moses was looking down from heaven, he saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested that God should punish the rabbi severely. As he watched, Moses saw that the rabbi was playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought You were going to punish him. Do You call this punishment?"

God replied, "Who can he boast to about this game?"